如何寫好商業英語 (二)

讓我們看看正面和反面的實戰教材。先看一封差的例子，藍色字體是筆者註腳/感受﹕

Subject: Compulsory Online Training Course: Ethics in the Workplace On DDMMMYYYY, Regulator issued a Guidance Paper on Ethics in the Workplace. The Guidance Paper assists companies in not only meeting the legal and regulatory obligations under the Ethics and Conduct Rules but also enhancing the effectiveness of measures to mitigate their reputational risks in respect of poor conduct. 看了20秒，究竟你想點？It is a requirement that employees are made aware of the measures ABC Company has in place to maintain high ethic standards. Accordingly, an Online Learning on the Guidance Paper will be made available to you. 啊？是要上Training 嗎？ All employees working for ABC Company in Asia Pacific (including temporary/part-time/contract staff) and contingent workers (including agency contractors and service providers) are required to complete the course. In MMMYYYY, the course was launched in Hong Kong for ABC Company Ltd and ABC Investment Ltd. 吓? 我係香港咁係咪即係我已經做左? 雖然係no action 但係已經花左兩分鐘睇呢封唔關自己事的e-mail. Now it is a massive launch to the rest of the Asia Pacific countries. If you are in the target audience*, you will be assigned with the course starting from DDMMMYYYY and have 30 days to complete the course. *The below Sub Job Families are not part of the target audience: 013 - Facilities and Logistics Management of all Service Providers 017 - Administrative Support of all Contractors and Service Providers 145 - Physical Security of all employee types 睇左咁耐係叫我上個Online Training 咋嘛... **The launching of the course will take place in two phases. Phase (1) Deploying on DDMMMYYYY in English to Australia, Bangladesh, Brunei, India, Malaysia, Mauritius, Maldives, New Zealand and Singapore. Phase (2) Deploying at the end of the MMYYYY in both English and local language to China, Macau, Japan, Korea, Philllippines and Vietnam. 咁.... 即係幾時啊?同埋我新黎，唔知點上Online Training 喎.... For questions about technical or Online Training completion, please raise a case via HR System. For questions about the course contents or the Guidance Paper, please send to Compliance HK.

這是一個很典型的浪費讀者時間的電郵，相信在職場的你一定收過無數類似的，要麼你看了兩句便關閉它，要麼你讀完後心裏想, 'This is three minutes of my life I am never gonna get back.'

問題的癥結在於電郵的作者只是講自己想講的東西，並不是從讀者容易吸收所須資訊的角度出發。作者認為他的責任只是將所有資料堆到電郵裏。



在這一個例子裏，最理想是只發給需要完成Online Training的同事，而且Phase 1和Phase 2的國家分開發出，省卻收件人要讀畢整封電郵才了解是否適用於自己或者自己屬於Phase 1還是2的麻煩。

如果沒有選擇下要用一封電郵發給所有in scope 和out of scope / Phase 1 和Phase 2的同事，我會建議改成以下的樣子﹕

Hi all, We have created an Online Training on Ethics in the Workplace to help you familiarize with the requirements in the Guidance Paper issued by Regulator. If you are in scope for the training, the Online Training will be assigned to your Training Plan according to the below Asia Pacific roll-out schedule. Please complete the training within 30 days. [Provide link to online Training Plan] 第一二句清楚交代事件的背景，第三句說明對收件人的要求。 Already completed: Hong Kong DDMMMYYYY: Australia, Bangladesh, Brunei, India, Malaysia, Mauritius, Maldives, New Zealand and Singapore DDMMMYYYY: China, Macau, Japan, Korea, Philllippines and Vietnam For questions about technical or Online Training completion, please raise a case via HR System. For questions about the course contents or the Guidance Paper, please send to Compliance HK.

每開始寫一封電郵前，先要問自己你的目的是甚麼。在這例子中，你的目的是同事乖乖在30日內完成Online Training。確認了目的後，便知道重點該放在哪裏，而整篇電郵寫起來便容易理解得多。

再看看一封簡單而清晰的例子﹕

Dear Colleague, This is a reminder that your default e-mail software will be migrated from Lotus Notes to Outlook on DDMMMYYYY, between local time 19:00 and 07:00 the following morning. 第一句清楚交代事件的性質和重要資料 - 系統更改的時間 Please log out of your account during that period and your emails will not be accessible, including via mobile devices. 第二句說明希望讀者做的行動，和讀者可能受到的影響。留意貴人事忙的讀者只看到這裏便離開也不會出甚麼大狀況。 Though you may see the Outlook icon in your Start menu already, please do not launch the application until after the upgrade. 第三句是溫馨提示補充資料，不是死人塌樓的。 Click here to find out more about what to expect on you first day on Outlook. [Embed link to further reference material] 之後才補充讓有充足時間或有特別問題的同事參考的資料，用附件或連結可令整封電郵更簡潔。 Don't forget that the Outlook countdown checklist on HelpDesk Page is there to help you prepare for this change. [Another embedded link to further reference material] Thank you again for your patience and support.

大家尤其是寫多於半個屏幕的電郵時要記著，如果你不能在頭兩至三句簡短而清楚說明你的目的和要求，那麼很大機會對方會直接忽略掉你的電郵。

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